Surrogate

Surrogate

I feel like I am parenting

In this financial eschew

Of all these responsibilities flung onto me

To provide all these meals and these times

This roof and these lines that even when you are

Not here I am still nourishing you through Tupperware

Gumbos soaking away from the I do not knows

Washing in the bowls of where does this go

In the pantheon of drowning on of all these times

Misguided of all these sentiments that do not sit well with you

To claim to treat you unfairly in the juxtaposition

Of the clarity to at least set to plate the meal you are not paying for

Address these concerns as ornaments on a tree

You will stare upon for how many seasons beyond

The advent of these weeks approaching permanence

I am in debt to address aloud, so quickly and so I sift

These energies to allow time to not turn them as seeds

To planting my enemy right in the arms of my midst

Like a progeny that spits back in the face that creates

This self hate of all the conflicting ironies

Swarming in how she states she keeps giving

And not getting in return, this emotion burned

Like a gender fuel tank emptied and fed upon

To answer to the sound track of too long

Stories that keep wrapping the arms of this reach

Like roots in the participle parts of speech

Adjunct adjective serving in the meal time

Temporary nutrients of produced expectations

On the fringe to know the when for this education drifting on the wind

Career plans like body bags of former selves rolled up into the ringing of the bells

On new mornings in Parisian palisades an abjuration to all the bricks that made

All those stale cities crumbling the footsteps I am stumbling

To reach the part where ever you will carry me

Financial security and the jealousy confounds me and I try to shed it like

A virus in the blood veins pumping in the estrange to leave me alone in the end pains

Like an arrogant supplicant contradicting for the months that bend

Stubbornness in the both of us and reside these tides to shower the storm

Of the financial crush of affording the stress of making this all proliferate

Into a present where you will stay home and nurture and nest and still resent me

For what I have not still given you in the scents of what this is not

And I confound me and reprise me in the role of the solitary mind-field

Of blowing up my toes, stepping on the same steps, biting the same bricks

Exhausted from entertaining and blaming me for this idolatry of worshiping me

As the solution of civil war hybrid mutants scavenging for solutions

In the garbage cans of sword sliced war limbs

Given up like sacrifices for dream letters painted on the wind

For the sanctity of hoping that there is a world worth saving

Sung carefully on the fringe of extinction always worrying and

Climbing in the casket and the time churning in

To Dodo birds and dinosaurs and blue footed booby traps

And swears on pillows jars to pull off the lid and have them all back

Like promises un-cast the metal un-forged and battle plans un-mapped

You scare me in my hollows that the temperament will alter

That maybe I do not want this either and I may and I may not

And this time you burden on my mule is a weight more than water

Or some necessary carry on for this journey, it is in every way optional

Yet it is here with us binding in sack out here in this desert crossing

To everywhere but Bethlehem at the contemplation

Premature and a Bauer clock ticking: savior or terrorist to the dreams of the realist

Of that sour face crashing me because I did not use the correct phrasing

So exhausted in effort to maintain this stasis and I see your Atlas arms shaking

When I feel like I am the one carrying this planet’s revolution

To pay for its merry go round, not fully knowing the reach of your contributions to these

Expedition supplies in our post 2008 economy apocalypse,

 I need more time to satiate this religion

In the world’s poison pill to swallow by accident in the hollow of ehh

And such conviction without communication that conveys the dedication

Of guiding us out of this maze, if it is so prominent to you then light up that head with

Spelunkers gear and turn this nadir into the solar zenith of clear

Yet you bust the bulb and claim I should have packed a back up

To insert in contingency, but no matter the type the shape is always unendingly off

I am corrupted by my nature of self in your vision that I can not partition

Out a place for us to exist beyond your critic’s jargon spouting

Restrictions like waterspouts in this desert spurring up in sand cyclones

Grit in the teeth that nets in and we can not help but spit out

An untaken photograph, a missing gift, an unelaborated gratitude

I break in all the continual mistakes that you emphasize

In the subtext of who I am, that you don’t want me to be

A measure in the segregation of the flavor of love you want coming

I tried.  I was.  It was never enough, my words were like dandelion petals wishing

Floating above your receptors, your certainties

My love for you has floated pass, drifting on that wind

I can not compete with this oblivion of compromise you must make in yourself

To accept my world as a one you are compelled, to thrive in, to bed in

To make a family a home, it is like a parched horse refusing this oasis for a catacomb

To wander to search for another life away, and I have to let you go

To find the path that will make you want to stay

I am scratchy, I am gruff, I have made my mistakes

I am sullied, I am torn, I am a man that takes

I love you, but I don’t want this

I don’t want to have to convince you to drink or to give

Us the trust to believe in each other

It should be more natural in the arms of a lover

I am broken, crumpled, and soar,

but these signs were like the solstice coming and I knew there was more

Aftershocks shaking and lines in the making of what may never be

For the emotional sacrifice justified so much overt appreciation

A continual expression that in like a flood was never quite enough

And you can eschew financial contributions like dust, but they are not dust

In a world of middle-class eunuchs self-tied to try to afford retirement

You blame me for a lack of planning, with no plans for yourself

You want dinners out and assume me to pay, no addendum in speech

Just demands in the breach of what I thought we had

Requests for assistance and grabbed

A stocking, ornaments, Herbsaint, pooch steps and sweaters

All of it glass shatters in the remembrance of letters   

You want me to spell out for you over and over again

And I can’t, I have to let go I can not try to mend

These feeling I have for you fluttering away

In flowering seeds in a flood that

I have so many times already asked you to stay