In Explanation
I am not sure how to explain
to you that you inspire me to be the better me
A man embracing life for what
will be rather than what was
This past year and a half has
been the most arduous of my life and the three
Years before that I swore
could not be exceeded in stress
Yet I am here with you now
Muscles torn and ripped from
these exercises
In self definition, to be a
man in granite
Heavy from the sack of
boulders on my lungs
Lodged against my heart
So the oxygenation of the
blood is compressed
Into shuffled steps towards
repair
Part of that is explaining
plainly
Where I have been because
these things that I have wished for in my life
That have been absent for so
long to trust, to feel the compassion of a woman
In the caress upon my cheek,
to kiss me in reassurance that she has no desire to walk away
I have reconciled a betrayal
of my best friend, my lover, the mother of my child
And seen her take up arms
against me to conceal her own coup of a liar’s high ground
Pelting me with a distant
silence snuffing out love for an agenda of pride
I know it does not matter to
you what happened
You are interested in the man
that I have become
Not the man that I was, to
presume I am indestructible
Purports and arrogance
against my own sensitive fragilities
For as much as I was hurt, it
is not a doubt of you
Or a wound I wish you to
heal, or a story I wish to keep reliving
For what I wish, is to live
with you in the now
For you to simply know these
stated facts of the last decade of my life
So that you can know me
better and I will not have dance around
A partial iteration of what
was, and to maybe feel, if it is not too bold to ask
The compassion of your heart,
to feel that would mean more to me than I can describe.
I was in a relationship for
nine years, married for seven.
I have been through Enron and
the fall of Arthur Andersen,
My roof torn off from Katrina,
moving to Texas,
And committing to moving back
to my ex wife’s home town
To build her, her grand
Southern dream home
I lived with my in law’s for
two years, while both trying
To still sell my storm
damaged house and constructing a new one
We moved in May of 2008
On December 11th I
built snowmen in the backyard with my daughter.
On the evening of December 15th,
my ex wife sat down on her
Most prized possession and told
me
I am not happy.
Either you can go to a hotel
or I am leaving, but we are not staying in the same house tonight.
I want to separate.
Three sentences without
further explanation.
And an initial professions of
remorse and a self proclamation of her going to hell for this.
And the next day she started
a war of silence and defamation.
I lived nine months in wait
to plead my case before the court to see my daughter in equal custody and
retort claims of only being able to see her four days a month.
At the same time becoming a
single father of a confused little girl.
Lies without remorse, yet I
won the day.
The wait drained, bodies
manipulated.
Pleas for peace to sustain a new-bud
family,
Unrelenting despite the
malice
To this day we have never
talked beyond that day on the porch, just us together
And everything she does is
cast with a litigious over coat
No discussion to date, Monstrosity
of a home
Like an albatross she asked
for and now hangs like a
Perpetual threat to my
bankruptcy
Legal costs, settle for her
number
Deny the bitter, regroup in
time away from my loved ones to
Refund this deficit
Doing my best to not be
fearful of being open to love
I have chosen openness over
becoming an armadillo
In wait, ready, to uncoil in
want across this road
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