Gut decision

When all instincts say to lay down, my compulsions rise

Like a drug addict’s demons praying for solace in the escape

Of irrational action trying to find a gap in this hedge maze

To find ruination just off the grip of my potential

To pull it in like a teddy bear of days and nights

Recreating infancy in clutched uncertainty

Wanting to find ration like a lion knowing the lioness does all the hunting

Yet championing such regality in uncensored movements

Knowing I am the king of nothing, not even the rain

Guessing in seconds, triples and pellets falling in staples

Bursting into discontent of disconnect

Hopelessness like a welcome mat shown like the words

Communicated after work each evening

All I ever see is what comes out of me

Sides like tender holds wanting my innards to explode

Leach upon the floor like the excreted nonsense

Contained with in could begin to exit my system

Forever, change the oil of a body, put something more proficient in

Or at least a one in a thousand days, held at never

Feeling as ugly and unlovable as God’s unanswered prayers

Falling back into the hearts of cowards banking on hope

Fishing in despair, make a life in the lottery of free will

Knowing misconception is the rationalization that pays the bills

To keep myself from stating the obvious, that no one ever will

Change the map of this, the kraken cracked the ship but it was already over with

No memories, nothing pure, empty before the ghosts floated ashore

Swim, drift, row, which ever, the indifference cascades in a parade

Of the men I will never be, brave or needed or the focus of the enemy

Just left idle, alone and unaddressed, Captain of a raft of one and the sum

Of double negative one slumped and wondering

If there is one thing anyone remembers about me and smiles as if they could take it like

A wish list stored under a pillow to keep it close to their dreams

As if I would ever show up some place and mean more to them then

They did to me, this December is never ending and

I can’t help but keep pretending there is an answer searching for my question

Asking, Asking and knowing no one has ever mentioned