Familial Allergies

Familial Allergies

My cavernous mistake carved-out in drill bits churning away

At the foundation for which all reciprocated love

Could ever hope to stand on

Women with hearts closed-off, fenced-off

With me throwing darts in the dark slamming in

How else do people meet in this chaos?

I am befuddled and exhausted at how anyone ever meets anyone

In this God-forsaken fish bowl

I love inebriated and without forethought for my own safety

How can I ever believe I have touched a chasm deep enough

To fight for my remaining, to want to offer a vulnerability

And actually acknowledge a potential disparity between

Wanting someone more then you are sure they want you in return

I feel numb for so many hours disconnected from these mackerels

The blue tang comes and I fall offering her station

The prayer for contact and maybe I really want nothing

Maybe I want everything; maybe she wants exactly the same

This indecision is like a postponement of emotional investment

Too-close too-soon and too-blatant in a direction that does not encompass

Enough of what we each need to satiate this faith

She wants a man who she can relish the novelty of romantic entanglements

Her-home, her-child, her-dreams like dominoes which have not previously fallen

She wants the versatility and the flexibility of virgin logistics

To move with her movements to shift with her seasons and love her to the chameleon of her love

I want a woman who can see the foundation of that which I am moored and

Love me for the inherent being that God created me to be

And maybe that is a man who can not handle her instability, who needs and demands more

Who needs a woman to love me consistent and brave and own it like a badge.

As both trophy and protector to my love as the duty of her own

I want that woman to come into my life and see the possibility of a family existing

Divergence in the reality of how can I see that she wants that role?

We had our own family, however temporary and I felt her trepidations like shockwaves

How could I ever discuss this gap in faith?  How can I juggle seeing her so allergic

To a family swarmed in all this hay fever conjecture

As if bringing back all her broken memories of thirteen and father and mother and

Never ever being first or paid attention in full and raising herself has brought about these fits of sneezing and rash action

I see her fears resting there on a countertop like milk needing to go in the refrigerator or down the drain because of our un-named life she will never be prioritized and

On the deepest of levels she is compelled to prevent this possibility from proliferating into a forever based on a bet that her inclinations are wrong; She runs

She runs to California, to Texas, to New York, she flies and lives in trapeze motion

Faces like polka dots and who will love her, to be her Christ?

A standard bearer and I don’t know if I can hold that flag for her

But I love and yet am weak.  I have tried to fight for her and been put at bay.

I have allayed my sword to tend to my wounds, who am I to magistrate?

I have accepted the alternatives of not her, of just me.

I tried to love her in a speed that is unnatural to her tempo

I denied her that velocity and in that I purport a selfishness

That while not directly wronging her or failing her by fault,

I am not reaching her where she needs me to be

It doesn’t matter that I feel that I can not, or I may be incapable

I get no bonus points or credit for my involuntary limitations

I am in fact resented, and ultimately rejected

Maybe inside she is scared, but wants to be a mother,

Maybe she sees the guidance in parenting that she was given and feels inadequate

Maybe she saw a family with me and she feels like she could never find a role with the other

That felt anything other than unnatural and the despondency of the disconnect abounds

Maybe she saw the potential and felt the same unknowns

And the misguided notion that I would prioritize predecessors

She runs, my savior complex kicks in and I chase her

She cares enough about me not to use me for sex

And allows us the space to move on to find what we need

And her daddy issues that preclude her from ever really feeling worthy of love

Of a family, of a center, of this life to run up and grab her

Her knocked out bout with Catholicism that I am late to the fight for

And she is stronger than she thinks, and where I am strong she can be weak

And I know she cares enough to know

We are beautifully wrong for each other and the lengths it would take

For us to see beyond these lines are measures we have chosen to walk away

And I could write a love story, a profession of faith

Destiny and passion intoxicating and self-doubt darts like a deer across this traffic

Tracks and maybe she is my pink vagabond, the conundrum of this undulating love

Rebirth I don’t know, maybe I just have to let her go