My Older Brother

My Older Brother

Sometimes I wonder how formed I am by what he could not stand

To be my guide, to extend a palm and a motion to follow along

To some stance of how to navigate these waters in a shower of faith

That life had a place for either of us

Gone and long, differences apparent and it is all beyond

The reach of dots scratched over and eggs fissured and delivered

Without inspection inside the carton

How did I get here?

Social standing in the landing of smokes on porches

Doorways into doorsteps of houses smelling of sex and later recompense

Me, follow the rules and his no path to follow

Abandoned in times of star wars, no Jedi is returning

I with my Muppets, lost across the Ewok line

He was too old to appreciate a teddy bear when I was still cuddling with mine

Play on the floor, never parallel, wanting a friend and alone in this well

Calling up and out and alone and in the doubts

Was I made this way knowing that no one would ever want to play with me?

Starting with him before I was ever aware enough to see

Ramifications and machinations perpetuated in my skull

That all these desires just bend to a razor rusted and dull

Incapable of addressing the overgrowth on these wrinkled cheeks

There is no outlet my face can interact with that desires me to speak

Silent, so silent in all this backlog of miracles wished away and canceled null

I miss you big brother, the Virgil I never met

Until I had already traversed my own hell and you had your own demons beset

On your thoughts in these adult lives we live, praying to saviors we each know

Don’t give salvation in any human hand, just two lost boys cracked and poached

Trying to escape the grip of the devil