The
greatest theft in all of this
Has been
my desire to indulge in being a father
At seven
I became an older brother
At first
interaction I recall being nervous,
Tentative
to touch such a small being
Questioning
my roll, normal stuff
Within
months I was affirmed to be as my older brother was not for me,
My
younger sibling’s compatriot, confidant, his Virgil
I
relished the subtle flavors of hugs, presence and
Nerf army
campsite woods exploration,
Sharing
pizzas on Friday nights as I was motioning
To junior
to senior high school with no place else to be
The
transference between generosities became fluid
I was a
baby sitter for my mother’s friend’s children, despite my gender
I was a
swim team coach of swimmers four to eighteen
I even
created a second segregated practice to assist the younglings
This was
charted data, empirical the kind predicting the outcome
Of a
man’s entry into fatherhood as a triumphant undertaking
With the
credence and patience of one who understood the minds of the young
So it is
with greatest extorted horror I find the frame of fatherhood
My former
wife hammered around me
To show
me as repugnant, unqualified and all together damaging
To the
growth of our only daughter
I sat soaking
in the brine of distended entrails, gouged on the oak floor
Of a home
we built, evacuated of feminine inhabitants, a ghost town
With the
pictures of a father on the wall, yet howls a cacophony
Of an
empty laundry machine, bedrooms cackling like needle-dick whispers
Blood was
thicker like Sunday morning pancake batter
The
cartoons, the playroom floor, tiny trains and stuffed animal theater audiences
Sat with
crusted irises as if staring at the wall like into the sun
Burnt
from waiting for a sock puppet showcase that will never begin again
All these
childhood indulgences of a father’s hand have become machinations
Of a
departed hag scoffing that the core of sunlight stitched into every smile
Was
invalid, a surfeit of lies from the impetus, spoiled-worm yarn
For a
pink-blanky quilt, handed to and spilt with the slobber of all these
house-screams
I want to
enjoy the idea of being a father; I want to state uninteruppted status
I want to
see the idea of having other children as possible
In place
of water boarding, electric castration or a path to despair
Because
you see, that is what having a child did to me
My daughter made
me vulnerable to an infinite regard
As if my
heart was gone into her heart from gestation
The
limits of my safeguard were absolute in intent and
The preponderance
of my being in action
This
weight hung inside like a locket held like a collar of musts
Latched
to my being in the curvature of my daughter’s smile
Sweet
innocent, loving, wonderland with the spectrum of youth set to explode
Through
years, knowing her mother was obstructing my vision
And more
over the hue of refractions my humanity may offer her
Over the
time that is now spilt like sand of a cracked hourglass, scattered
The
courtroom, the unrequited correspondence, the blank expression
To my
implored commitment to save the terrorist form her own bomb
The
greatest absence is that I have no trust
All I
feel are the dangers like a grassland of tigresses lurking behind crucifixes
I have
murdered, I have sinned, I have emptied the luggage
And set
it asunder like flotsam at a rural train station with no ticket to Chicago
No
pickup, no airplanes, no passport, no taxi’s just
Breakfast,
commute, computer desk, commute, dinner, insomnia
Honestly
I need to be told
I am a
good father, I am a good man, I am valued for my input
From
someone, from somewhere; however cheesy, weak, futile or feckless
I want
that, I hunger, the tears are no water
I isolate
with a compulsion to not talk, to not see, to not feel, to not breathe
I would
rather sequester, than inject energy into dust roads
I wish I
could meet someone, somewhere
I wish I
could be someone, somewhere
A
different time, a different place, another love, another taste
The
hemlock and wine are on the table, rouge in doppelganger glasses
Will I
ever choose to drink?
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