Heap of Deletion

Heap of Deletion 

Sometimes a thickness balls up in my gut

Like a whelp, throbbing for external pressure

To counterbalance the urge of expulsion

To be able to stabilize the sadness 

The routine has been repeated in enough iterations

To communicate the likelihood of such a force of nature

Interfacing with the dull numb weight is infinitesimal 

The urge to cry fizzles tears at the edge of the ducts

Until I am reminded of my gender like a clutch

Where I can feel the edge of my ribs underneath my skin clenching up

And all I crave in this universe is someone to hold

 

So as to carry out the transversal of masculine need through appearing strong 

I have a job, a house, a daughter, bulky furniture

Carpet, a one-hundred thousand mile plus vehicle

A wardrobe and health insurance  

These accoutrements are secondary to the desire for the sensation

Of that counter pressure, as they are all moot

To the physics of emotional reciprocation

An injury proper medical science would ridicule  

As the ghosts of the universe applaud at focusing on the only integral variable

Broken, a faucet stripped of empathy, no font to drink

Parched prayers bartering for a caress of understanding

Sand, all there is, is sand  

Be thankful for what you have, sir

It could always be worse, surely sir, surely  

The loneliness pulls at me, imploding and forming its own gravity

Encompassing the definition of negation

Creating force it self by ramping a density of oblivion

As days continue the repeated tasks accumulate, not into fresh endeavors  

But into a heap of deletion,

Their summation takes away the potential of what was there before

As if it could have been anything, but is in reality more of the same

The nothingness expands in the exchange  

Ballooning the lump inside myself

Eating away like a black hole cancer

So far it has swallowed hope, religion, justice, balance

Faith and love are swirling on the outskirts like angels refusing to land  

Barely visible, for I told them to fly as far as they could get

So that my insides never destroy them

For as long as I can ration that they exist somewhere in this universe, I exist