When
I try to remember why I lost my faith in a present God
Maybe
remaining in a distant indifferent God by irrelevant to the toil
Outside
the ubiquitous suffering of the substantial portion of humanity
In
poverty, disease, war, hunger, and depravity
Resting
like a beacon to prompt the waterfalls of empathy
To
stave our species’ extinction
Where
we may in parcels obtain the essence of what I considered God
Within
the act of love
In
my splint of a microcosm of a life it was the dunking into that which I love by
blood
To
remind me most of my isolation like a chain to use my compassion against me
As
choker and mace
To
revolve the cycles of watching my daughter grown in a town of Hades
I
may never truly escape until my daughter ascends her adolescence
I
am baptized anew each fortnight like a dark unction
Into
all of that which I pray to forget
To
see my ex-wife’s son run across a soccer field followed by his father
To
embrace my daughter in a hug after driving an hour during a Sunday Saints’ game
To
be on time for warmups and see the idea of family flattened out my being
Like
waterboarding or thumbscrews pressed to never want to be
What
I tell myself now I will never want again like a cult memorized mantra
In
attempts at alternatives that so far have only ended in death, rejection, and
isolation
I
walk on into the countless nights of prayer how one can choose for or against a
book
A
will, a guide, a policy of prompts towards the kindness of human empathy
To
make another’s path that tad bit easier, providing that cushion in times of
volition’s
Separation
from all of that which hurts the soul in honest path
Of
what one wants and the other does not in the passing currents of love’s folly
It
is in how one does what one chooses, not the choice that tears the fabric of
the universe
So
in I see not a place for a present God and am happier for it
For
in to believe that a God would entertain such pain as in play with a desire of
plan
I
see only a monster; blessings random
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