Luna,
Your allusions to a scorpion and a
siren prompt images of stung hands and men pulled to their smiling or
consternated death on rocks. From your
communications I scramble to decipher that means you are just looking to live
your life, hang out with new someone’s on occasion, keep it casual, and stay
free. In most attempts to get too close
to you others enter at their peril. You
will show the needle or the jagged shoreline after your song, not out of
malice, but to obey your nature. One
cannot blame the tigress for eating the deer.
I cannot help but feel swollen lips and a lacerated head for sharing so
much of myself in a fool’s errand. However to me, you may remain the owl, at war
inside between night and day.
I guess you were upfront about it,
but meeting someone new it is difficult to interpret what ‘keep your distance’
means as time progresses. I guess it is
just that, an unyielding sign of ‘intruders will be shot behind this point’. Given such omens, growing and maintaining any
kind of piercing human connection, given such restrictions, feels like
impossibility for anyone in my position.
Our conversations were so personal,
I feel led into a forest, enjoying a trail with you, and then judged as if I
was only ok with one outcome when there were several forks I would have happily
traveled with you as we passed this time. Most trails don’t loop, they truncate. They don’t need names. You walk, you live, you move forward openly. I am a live in the moment man; I just see
everything happening all at once. I hope
you did not misinterpret that.
Our dates were all
conversation-centric, intimate, at the option of dancing you chose the fold-out
chairs by river, the bar stool over the dance floor, and the sofa over St.
Claude. If you wanted the surface, I am
perplexed to a degree.
I am not good at tempering what I
let people who I am romantically involved see inside me. I am an all or nothing sort of creature. I tend to want to be self-destructive, fling
my soul into an inferno and revel in the joy and pain. I give giant answers. The bastard poet in me wants the
intensity.
Even now I think I knew you would
sting me and part of me wanted you to do it.
I wanted you; if that is who you are; I wanted to feel you.
If you are the scorpion I wanted you to sting me and embrace the
fullness of your nature. I am drawn to
the spinning wheel’s needle. (I know why
Aurora had to touch it.) That passion
gets me.
Part of me wants to have a torrid
affair, pure sex and abandon and soak, knowing it is like the hottest white
dwarf dying young. Part of me wants to
be known completely naked and vulnerable whether it is for a moment or a
lifetime. Both have their good and bad; either way it’s honest. It’s memorable and it’s alive. It’s genuine and was what it was meant to be,
not made up in some costumed farce with adults playing pretend, but raw and
beautiful in all its ugly truthful audacity.
Part of me wants to lay in the extremes.
True hell is milk-toast.
I am a writer who exposes my being;
in this respect I know we differ. The
poems I wrote you, a part of me wishes I would have kept them to myself or
stopped. To a degree, I do feel taken
advantage of in a private alcove of self, but I know inside I wanted to light
everything on fire. I wanted reaction; a
hug, a punch in the face, fist with a kiss, ambivalence; anything is better to
me than a half-hearted go.
I feel a bit the dolt for opening up
and reaching in to attempt to see the inner you with the level of hope I had
that you would want to crawl into me in return.
I blame myself for being naïve, but I would do it again. I wish you would have given us a few more
weeks, even if you knew in the long run we had no shot. I may have come to the same conclusion. I was happy just spending time with you. I did not need the morrow just the moment.
I was just looking to spend some
time and get to know people. You caught
my attention, but I wanted slow and allowing things to be whatever they were
supposed to be. I think you are
misinterpreting my comment when you asked me what I wanted.
Ultimately yes, I am looking to
build a deep inner connection with another person over time after casually
getting to know them if things flow that way.
We clearly want different things in that regard of the long term. But I think as I misunderstood the fear you
described, I think you misunderstand what I am looking for at this stage in my
life. I would have immensely enjoyed
wrapping up and burning until the cops showed.
I respect your choice, but honestly
I do not understand the path such a chain of logic leads a person. It must work for you and feed you what your
spirit needs and that is all that matters here. I only wish you happiness. If such space is what your mind, body, and
spirit need, I kind of wish you would have just fed off me for a while and
given us the option rather than defaulting I was an all or nothing because of
some fill in the blank to a query you made.
The concept of developing feelings
for another human is like an incrementally increasing mass stepping up the
gravity that draws one towards the other.
In the dynamic you prefer, emotions appear to be immune to such requirement
for accretion, capable of maintaining a stasis of distance in a manner of
perpetuity. Like a balance of bodies
where one wants, but does not act. Some
bodies of the universe are built of such elements. To have a playroom of homogenous fields would
make for insipid galaxies.
We are all stars built to either
smash into each other fueling a greater nova, ricochet, or miss entirely. Most often we approach each other from a
distance, never touch, and alter each path without realizing our effects are
for the other with another further down a road we never witness. In all, gravity changes each party, much in
the way everyone I have ever met somehow affects the words I type in this
moment or what I chose to speak in our meetings.
We are all inevitably designed to
explode, burn out, and return to the energy of which we were formed. There is only so much time before we revisit
the ignorance of what we have done as in so many countless spiraling iterations
before.
Meaningful human connections are
scarce and precious water to the desert life I have known. So when I do open up I do not do it lightly
or without a measure of foresight into the potential possibilities such an
aperture may unfurl. But when I do I
don’t hold back. The writer part of me
treasures the women who have destroyed me in their rawness and autonomy.
With you, I chose to do that. I do not regret it. Right now that openness, that intimacy forged
is wafting like conditioned air dissipating in a room. At the moment it is still in me, maybe
lingering in you, but soon enough it will leave us both to return to our
natural stasis. That connection is whatever
it was atomically constructed to be, two elements colliding and that did not
have to be forever for me to enjoy the impact.
The knowledge that you and I are
never, could never be a long term thing I am fine with that. The solidity of this discourse makes things
much clearer for me on what to expect and how to perceive or react to you.
I kind of saw the potential for this
place of go away, come get me, go away in our first kiss. This is an excerpt from a poem I wrote after
our second date.
(I moved in and you asked what I was
doing
I asked, “Am I reading the signals
wrong?”
You said, “I didn’t say stop.”
I kept going and walked down the
levee backwards smiling up at you
I am hoping for an even trail; I
cannot bear a disparity of want
In time, to know, for now the
silence brings me in the shadows of a place all too intimate
Like a black vice pressing my
temples afraid of the atheist’s pit
Hoping this will go differently;
that this poetry is not a tsunami
Crushing us both)
I feel pulled in and pushed out, but
even reading my own writing I knew from the onset to be wary. I waded in that pool with fatuous hope. I am still glad I did. It was a beautiful spot of life beginning to
get to know you Luna. I wish you the
best in wherever you go from here. I
will miss writing to you. When I hear
this song I hope I always think of you and however brief the fire you lit in
me.
Good bye Bird Gerhl,
Severus
I am a bird girl now
I’ve got my heart
Here in my hands now
I’ve been searching
For my wings some time
I’m gonna be born
Into soon the sky
‘Cause I’m a bird girl
And the bird girls go to heaven
I’m a bird girl
And the bird girls can fly
Bird girls can fly
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