My impersonation of a Conversation with Corporate America

My impersonation of a Conversation with Corporate America 

The People (P): “Sir, may I see your pockets?”

            Corporate America (CA): “Do you have a warrant?” 

P: “Well no, but we kind of buy all your stuff.  So if you won’t let us look, then that is kind of a dick move.  “

 

        CA: “There is this thing called the SEC, no not that football thing, the other one.  Our reports are on the internet and supposedly these analyst guys are supposed to you know, analyze them to value our waistline before they make herd behavior panic-based decisions.  You can go look at that if you want.” 

P: “Yeah, I did that.  That is why we are here.  It looks like they quit making pants to fit your girth.  We had to call in the assistance of other planets to stitch you a shower curtain sort-of-covering for your genitalia, because your balls got so big to think we wouldn’t notice.”

 

        CA: “Yeah, my dad is quite proud or at least before I sold his organs to a transplant team.  The markup on that shit is like four thousand percent, bitchen huh!  That’s nothing, last year I had this whole pit of Guatemalan immigrant families caged in my basement making sweat shirts.  My brothers and I would go in there at night and rape the moms.  When the babies shot out we sold them off and made a killing!  Can I get a What-What!” 

P: “Wow that is really outstanding work, but you know I am not really concerned with that because America is hurting.  You know America, land of the free, well, where are the fucking jobs?  That big pile of XHTML reportable business language files with EPS and computations about markets and future prospects, I was wondering if our end will ever catch up that buying your shit we don’t need at prices we can’t afford will catch up to you guys since you are basically paying us as little as fucking possible.   

Like I think I heard Chris Rock says something, like minimum wage means if they could pay us less you would.  That is so fucking hilarious I never thought of it until you put my plant in China.  My wife and I really just laughed so hard after that so I wanted to just see what was in your pockets?  I use to remember looking in mine, but my hands are always moving now.  I don’t even remember what it is like to put fingers in there.  So could you help a fellow out? 

CA: “Nah that would kind of be breaking the code.  You see the bulge.  You know what’s up.  Them’s fucks in there.  I got ‘em stuffed to the rafters in the stitching, forklifts and everything.  This dude I know at the health insurance company, he actually had to dig into earth like the nuclear mother fuckers and stash all the fucks down there in a contained facility.  He got mad bling yo!” 

P: “So not even a peek?  Can I have one?” 

 

           CA: “Nope.  I just don’t give a fuck.”