I am mixed between seeing where I am
coming out of with a relationship
Where I felt the other person could
not be who I needed or more so
Did not wish to be; I put so much
energy in and felt a lack of will
A drained partner who it was
difficult for me to see what really happened in full
I found God after a path of atheism
in the hours of processing
This branded me with a mark of
seeing purpose where I once saw only human volition
And nothingness
The idea that the confluence of
where the other shifted towards
Brought a commensurate calling that
I was to extract that and move towards
A self opening; therein I have
pursued as social a path as this introvert can muster
The music shows, the bars, the yoga,
the sport, the dating
In so the assortment has brought me
you
Standing in a spot light asking me
if this is at least in part the awareness of God
Simplifying the process to glow all
of these possibilities into a woman
I am attempting in my frailty to
acquaint
I can imagine the likelihood of a
parallel path; its improbability and non-necessity
However the mixture of my nemesis in
silent non-response sinks like snake venom
Reminding me of welts and fevers,
cold sweating faces on floorboards
I do not wish to look at that man in
the mirror; he broods and farts too loudly in church
The blood seas part and the populace
ignores his blank expressions
I want more than any to build a life
with a partner who wishes the same in me
My pursuits at such have left me
wandering the fields with inconsistent passive aggressive
Counterparts indifferent to my wares
and rhythm
Our first kiss it startles me in
what I am reluctant to decipher
I moved in and you asked what I was
doing
I asked, “Am I reading the signals
wrong?”
You said, “I didn’t say stop.”
I kept going and walked down the
levee backwards smiling up at you
I am hoping for an even trail; I
cannot bear the disparity of want
In time, to know, for now the
silence brings me in the shadows of a place all too intimate
Like a black vice pressing my
temples afraid of the atheist’s pit
Hoping this will go differently;
that this poetry is not a tsunami
Crushing us both
No comments:
Post a Comment