I am torn in two by a pair of ideas
One we were in each other’s lives
for this interim of years to prepare us
For where we are to be
Fear was like a blindfold
Masking me from seeing either or
both of our inefficacies
Brewing in what we were reluctant to
admit
Deep welling want for her to be in
my life
The fear kept distance of accepting
the pinnacle of my desires
In retrospect I debate these forks
I smell the scent of God like a soap
dispenser
Burning my irises from visualizing
That either this was the love of my
life I failed to choose
Or this was the raft to keep me
afloat to find God
In order to be ready for the love of
my life
To be a whole man for her to witness
Am I a man in full now or a broken
box of mangled error
Begging for redemption in a cloud
where all these cushioned corners
Of presence are nothing but the
absence that led me into the dark
The sightlines are costly like a
mirage of my fate
Praying to God to guide me, dry in
throat
With fear like a heroin addiction
dripping from the vial
I had her before to navigate the
waters
Now I am peering inward in a yoga
balancing act of soul and man
Anxious in the wilt of the day
praying for the darkness on the edge to subside
Wanting the universe to know my
needs better than my own mind
To forget the unchosen legion of
dissents for a singular complement
When, Oh Lord when? Who, Oh Lord Who?
How else but this long-stare into
the blackness with the audacity to imagine dawn
So I gaze
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