Praying for the Conviction

God at one point I decided in myself

That you did not exist in order to function

My thoughts being irrelevant

This cognitive dissonance between the pain and

The idea of a loving God was too great

Therefore to see what I wished to be my life

Cast into a fenced restricted zone of prohibition

Again and on has been torture

Bypassing the first, I thought you would give me every chance

To bear a child to in seed find reconciliation with you, her, and the deceased

I wished; a part of me still does to be her husband

If I only knew she loved me in return

How could I accept such without her confirmation?

How could “if you asked me I’d say yes” qualify as sufficient

I am lost as to how this was anything but a resonating ultimatum

To get me to instigate our separation

The pain that as much as I wanted to grow with her

What she needed, what I needed must be other shoots

Therein I am doing my best to accept this alternative

Yet I cannot do this alone as this feels

I need your help

I need her communication

I need her to assert interest beyond this casual blips

I want the balancing act

I do not claim to control or now, but I am hoping

I can find a partner and grow; if this is with the dancer so be it

If in a reasonable piece of months by maybe September

The green eyed nightingale returns to me emoting her released repressions of love

I am praying for the strength to know what to choose or do or act

I am praying for the conviction that leads to a life long happy marriage

I cannot try to just woo and fit; I need to be needed

And this is where I have always felt the absence of you God

I am not sure what it feels like to have love reciprocated

I am praying you to show me such joy of mutuality in a place that could not exist then,

But does in the proper time

I am only human, a bit afraid of how long I can continue to wait or what else I can do