9/8/14 A prayer 258,402,997

Why are not my dreams good enough for fruition?

I pick them up and see their ethereal discard compacted and shredded

The expectation sets that if this is going well

It is only a matter of time before the other rejects

The notion that this happiness is actual happiness

The circumspection of what I have to offer as something other

Than a temporary mistake appeasing a man for a yarn

I am lost;

I want to give up and let you take the wheel

I feel like I have tried this before and we end up with sudden

Left turns into trees  

Like I was a plaything

Wondering what if feels like when someone is willing to let the other be imperfect

To reach out and communicate in a vessel of discourse the prompts reassurance

In my side rather than me having to vent my constant epoxy to the boat’s sealant

I try to get closer and all I get is pushed away and somehow

The rejection only makes me want to double my efforts

Humans are idiots like the American hustle

You tell a man no and he begs you to destroy him

Every decline just revs the engine until the hook is set to the intestines

I have done this to myself by not claiming the first line of another’s decision

And putting that on them to own and walking away and cauterizing the wound

Negotiating, pleading is a blood sport of one dripping all over the driveway

With the neighbors watching is a pathetic spectacle

I am not in control or the shepherd of the universe

Even if I feel these spiritual compulsions so alive in moments

If they are real and to be then they will carry weight in the other

Without my magnification and if unnoticed then the idea was nothingness

I want to see you God; I want to be held in your arms and carried

I am afraid of how much I want to hold on to my past

I see the loveliness in where I have been led before

I do not know how to put the rejection to rest; I want what is not healthy

I want to want someone who wants me; who will nourish me and it is not

So much extra effort; please God make it feel better than it ever has

I pray to you in the interconnection of all things.   Amen