Day musing

You can only live with a broken heart or physical depression for so long before the numbness consumes the person you were capable of becoming.  Morphing evolution whispers into a creature of distance, staring out from a movie theater.  You are not living, but tolerating as best one can the psychic trauma of that distance.  Loneliness and being aware of the loneliness, seeing the obliviousness, jealous in small tangents of history where you had concepts like faith or hope in diversions you dub falsehoods.  The illusions of god, karma, justice, benevolence, or that a day comes where one gets a response inside resonating.  You follow it bold and crest breaking leap into the undertow. 

You live afraid of what rides on you like a specter others will have to abide to be around you, yet you stare into their eyes with that gray devil gripping your shoulders.  Interactions involve surcharges of take this to get that, psychological bartering and declinations to explain who the ghost is or how to explain he is the man I do not want to be.  He is the man I murder over and over again in tiny acts of vigilante rebellion.  He is the man breathing when the numb fails on Tuesday nights at 1:40 a.m.

How to live, we never get an answer, because there is no answer, nothing definitive, but this here now in these moments asking will you play with me?  Will you take time to converse or notice or be conscious with a fellow being and drag race a sunrise?  This is all there is and we costume, parade and divert.  The pain of those illusions devours energy daring one to hope or pray or rely or trust or want.  Wanting is the food of the ghoulish beast. 

We attempt to be in this sea of silent indifference and to remain quelled of rage or desire and to lose the self’s compunction to be tended knowing we are engines of energy requiring duality.  There is so much we cannot do alone and into this eternal wave we pray for undulation, not to god, but into the self to find the universe through another.  There are the winds of fate and love that I pray to find my cheeks to ask my name again as this estrangement dispatched my heart into cold shadow.  To feel, to feel welcomed and wanted to be and to share this fire I refuse to submit to winter’s grasp.  I will blare this rebellious tender flared in hope, light seen, and dare pray it be not but the luminescence of blissful dream.