Thirteen

Nina sang don’t explain

Echo pit mumbles abusive labyrinths

I will drive to see you  

For the first time in a year this Saturday

You are thirteen now

Your mother abandoned our home when you were four

Cached conversations for a magpie’s prickly toys

Fractured mirror in the glass bedding of the nest

When you were five you told me

“Mommy says you only pretend to love me.”

In our rental house with a picture frame of our former triad

On your Montessori bookshelf

I would fall asleep cuddling 

After story time was over

I remember your wooden drawbridge Christmas castle did not come with instructions

I tried to fit it together past midnight

Head solitary and you told me

“Oma said to pretend the pillow was the judge and to punch it

For making me go with daddy”

There was the morning I promised you we could finish our animal parade

With the plastic figures after school at the house you woke up in

I remember the passive aggression legal snares in your mother’s eyes

And you in tears in the car seat and helping you go

To the place pointing the barrels

I remember the door knob where I left letters to try to communicate

And never getting answers outside of courtrooms and sealed annulment tribunals

Your grandfather said he thought I was gay

There is a fear in the pit of me

I have yet to be able to shake

Pulling up into the driveway of the house your mom and I built together

To see you call your stepdad, dad at seven

Your mother say to you in front of me about another man

“Dad will get that.”

The quiet pass of my tongue upon my teeth inside my mouth

The passenger seat as I pull in has always been empty for nine years

I remember when you used to hide underneath the sofa sometimes

When I would come to pick you up or the times you clawed at my face

I just tried to give you a hug and calm, you were so young

Whenever your mom couldn’t be there because of work at the exchange

You always struggled like if you did not say goodbye with seven kisses with her

The world would end;

I was cast as someone you were taught to endure in public

We had our secret labyrinth of library books and playing pretend moose

Narnia and Harry Potter, Swan Princess and the iPod playlist crossing the lake

Stuffed animal ballet and yoga for kids to help you learn how to calm down

The tantrums, I could see your pain

We did the stickers on the calendar for good behavior

We had bath times and you liked it when I made up stories about whales

And heroines that could run upon the waters

I taught you how to ride with no training wheels

When your mom got the police chief and his brother the billboard lawyer

The sons of the former sheriff, her best friends from childhood

On the board of my audit client, a domestic abuse center

To have my boss come into my office and say

“They think it is best if you are not associated with their organization anymore.” 

“They said you were abusive.”

I confronted your mother on the porch that she dreamed of and we built

I lived with your grandparents for two years after Katrina

So we could sell our storm house and build this porch sasquatch for your mom

She said, “I don’t have anything to do with that.”

That’s when I knew I had to leave town

The custody I spent a year in court winning

I gave it away to become a weekend father

You were eight and I prayed we had enough time

Adultery’s mansion on the hill

The happy house you were taught to call it

Two little brothers and your father’s silent wallops

You turned twelve and decided you didn’t want to come to New Orleans anymore

Not to the city of your birth, my home, and the bed you told me what mommy tells you

That stays empty

We text and joke, you tell me about all the books you read

You like Stephen King and Agatha Christie murder mysteries now

Beyond the dragons and the wizards into the great who done it

I think of sitting on the sofa with you with a great pile of library books every Tuesday

Teaching about plots and what authors want you to think

My little Padawan

You want to go see a PG-13 horror movie with me this Saturday,

But have to be back to be an altar server at Catholic mass

Magic words and spells

I just want to know that you are ok

I want to listen to you tell me anything you wish to share

Your girlfriends, theater troops, soccer games, quiz bowl

Boys and what high school next year

To love and to be loved

That is all there is

I miss you so